And today was a day just like any other

That was such a lie.
Today was my day to step back and take a look at everything.
Today I lost unconditional love, all the while got hit on, test drove 3 new cars, accidently blew off my school group, freaked out about my college decisions and recouperated, realized that there's a new person I'm pining over and wondered about the possibilities of it ever getting anywhere I'm interested in being and decided no, and contemplated the implications of my upcoming reality.
Here's how it goes:
Last night was the beginning to my life as a soap opera,
It all started when the joke brought his seemingly "that girl" wife to the event
and I worried about how good for him she really is. Over dinner sitting next to them he says something about getting married to your high school sweetheart is just never going to happen and then I told him of course because "Hmmmm, I've got three weeks to find a high school sweetheart, and then we can fall in love and get married."
Obviously a ridiculous option for me. So then I started thinking about the possibly more feasable options...

According to random statistics, most people meet their spouse in their early 20s, and generally where they go to college. I could attest to this being true, I mean 90% of the teachers I have had who have shared personal info met their spouse (who was a fellow student) while in college. But I have to think about what those people were probably like before they ever reached college... I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a huge majority of them dated way more than me in high school (which doesn't mean much considering that I have still never been on a real date, but we can talk about that later) so that means that they probably had a much better idea of what they were looking for and knew more about how the game works. (I know how to break the game just not how to play the game). So based on this assessment, I'm thinking that unless my miracle mr. perfect guy is just sitting out there somewhere in the land of syracuse hoping for me to show up, there's just no way that I'm going to be one of those people. It would be like trying to fast forward my dating life into four or maybe just three years of life, and that's also assuming that 1) he exists and 2) that I can get a date. Based on these slim odds, I'm thinking that I'm going to have to play the game outside of school, or essentially during my PhD program. PhD. Enough said. So then this time crunch means that I am going to be desperately looking and hoping that I'll meet him in the "real world" while I'm trying to build my career and rise in the ranks of the bureaucratic ladder. Based on past performance, good luck with that one. So unless mr. perfect is out there waiting for me at Syracuse University or in the tiny cubicle next to mine in Washington, D.C. it looks like I'm going to be maybe 35 before the chance of anything real ever happening.
That was not in my 10 year plan.
I had a back up husband for this. The kind where we pinky swore our sophomore year that if neither of us are married by the time we turn 35 that we'll marry each other. But it's Hunter. Of course Hunter is going to be married before then... So I guess I need a new back up husband too.

Now fast forward to today when out of the blue, the only one who has ever said no to my cookies added me on facebook. He was the one who started my curiosity about the University of Texas and is the reason I have bizarrely close relationships with my teachers. I remember after he turned me down that my french teacher begged me to come by her classroom during lunch and tell her all about it. She told me (partially translated from french), "He said no?! I don't understand! You're such a pretty girl! I just can't understand why you would go after someone who is unavailable." And there it is. The statement that has pretty much sealed my fate. Since then it seems like every time I turn around I find another guy who I want to be with who is in some way shape or form unavailable. There's the distance unavailable, lack of action unavailable, really only wants in my pants unavailable, age unavailable, type unavailable. In the last week I have discovered just how unavailable all of the boys in my life have been, except for one (and here comes the dramatic twist). This one boy has been my only shot at a high school sweetheart. Even the joke saw it in him. The problem, at the time that he was completely and totally available, I was the most scared person ever. I drove him away because I couldn't. It was so hard to do and sometimes I still feel the repercussions of it. But looking back on it, I still know that it was the best thing that could have happened because we both realize now that it never would have worked out anyways. He was the type of guy who wants 5 boys and a minivan parked in front of a suburban minimansion, I actually just made that up however quite likely, but the key thing was that he wanted long term committment and stability while I live on change. This is not the kind of opposites that attract. So it'll be interesting to see where we all are 1,5,10 years from now. I hope that at some point people finally become available, that I become available, and that we all get what we really wanted all this time and don't have to settle. I just want someone who doesn't have to have stability as long as they have all of me, someone who would never say no to my coookies, who wants more from me than just getting into my pants, and who wants more of me period. I want to meet someone who won't hamper me from my dreams and will make me more adventurous. I want someone who see exactly what my french teacher saw in me that afternoon and will love me even more for it. More than anything, I want someone who is going to make up for all of the time lost. Just like my favorite cheezy pick-up line:

You should have been here a minute ago! [Why?] So I could have met you sooner

Currently listening:Direction- The Scenic

I like your sundress

Just trying to rewrite some stuff for English tomorrow. I chose a new painting for my ekphrastic poetry project because I got tired of the old one that wasn't as inspirational. Everytime I look at this painting, I think of the song "Sundress" by Ben Kweller. Somehow I envision the woman in this painting more than the girl in his music video...



Currently listening: Boy in a Magazine- Socratic

I've been meaning to post this for a really long time

But in case you didn't know...
there's another blog that I'm posting to.
It's full of daily inspirations and stuff.
I'm thinking about changing the formatting of this one so that this one is solely my music and daily life blog and the other one is my style and inspiration blog, but I'm not really sure yet.
Input?
I've been really sucking at posting things that aren't just writing, and since my mom took my memory card I haven't been able to take pictures of my 365 challenge. I'm stuck in a rut. Ironically even though I started a new inspiration and style blog, I'm hardly inspired to revamp anything. I need new ideas. Where did my creativity go?

I wake up it's a bad dream

Lately I've been having these really sad, but at the same time horrible dreams that have to do with me and relationships.

Two nights ago I dreamt:
I dreamt that my mom had moved into this senior living community
for people who had difficulty taking care of themselves who also had children who were too young to help take care of them.
So I end up spending the summer with her there
and so do tons of other kids...
It was actually kind of cool to see so many generations together...
Anyway, I come into the senior center with my show bracelets and "edgy attitude" and all of the kids and adults want me to help them spice up the place because most of the time spent there was really lame because the old people tended to get offended or felt limited.
My first mission: fake tattoos and getting people to be adventurous in their relationships
Their first mission: Find me a boyfriend.
So while I'm placing temporary tattoos of the presidents on the seniors, one of the old men calls his son over and introduces us.
He's twentysomething, gorgeous, has perfect teeth, amazing REAL tattoos, loves alternative music and shows, and conviniently lives in a city maybe an hour or so from Syracuse.
Sounds perfect right?
And all of the adults love us together.
We become the power couple of the senior center. The director told me how much of a change all of the seniors have had in their own relationships because they watch us be cute together.
Now here's the sad part that makes me wonder if you can learn a life lesson from a dream.
He's a complete perv, a horrible kisser, and loves trying to hook up with other girls, not to mention that all of the things that we supposedly had in common just made him a huge d-bag.
But we stayed together for almost exactly a year just because that's what my mom and the other adults wanted to see.
And in the end very little really changed because I ended up changing into people just like them because I was so miserable.
Oh and fret not. In my dream, right after the break up, I found somebody else who actually was (from what I could tell) the right person who made me feel like the real me again.
Too bad I woke up before the end of the story.

Last night:
I dreamt that I met seriously the love of my life
and we had a whirlwind romance where everything was amazing.
He was mr. adventurous and I was ms. play it safe
but the best part was that he made me take risks and I had so much fun
and he always understood where I was coming from and respected my limits.
The only downside was that we were both really young (like this may have been a year from now), and subjected to the judgement of our parents.
I was convinced that his family didn't like me, especially his mom, and that my parents hated him, and there was an obvious enough tension between both sides to keep most of our activity limited to sneaking around.
The horrible part was somehow he died (I can't remember how) before we could get married, I remember freaking out because I thought I had lost the engagement ring and that was my only part left of him, and it wasn't until I had started talking to both sides after the incident that I found out that
1. My parents loved him, they were just worried about me because I was so young, and they told me that they knew I was in love long before I ever suspected
2. His mother never hated me, she just was jealous that I had taken her son away so soon.
3. His little sister idolized me, after he died she made me tell her every detail about our relationship and told me that she still wanted me as a sister even with him gone.
4. The tension between our families was just apprehension, they both thought that it was kind of a "from the wrong side of the tracks" kind of situation and afterwards learned that it wasn't.

Apparently I need to stop watching romance movies. It wasn't until after I reread my second dream that I realized how much the dream sounded like "P.S. I Love You" meets "Romeo & Juliet", but I swear there is so much more to this dream, it could fill a novel. I actually loved the second dream a lot because it made me realize what I'm really looking for out of a relationship and it was also visably gorgeous as I was dreaming it. There are some really difficult to describe sections, but some of the obviously dreaming sections I could glide over the top of this gorgeous super modern home like I was flying and the memory my parents told me about where they saw us together and new we were in love, we were standing on a ladder propped up against a house while we worked on a community service project as he hammered and I painted and at one point both of us just stopped what we were doing, smiled, and turned to kiss each other. This dream actually had so big of an impact on me that when I woke up I intially freaked out because I couldn't find the ring on my hand and then I finally realized it was a dream...

Currently listening:Train to Tokyo- Thee Armada

Along with the warmer weather, I think you might thaw my heart

Maybe it's because it's summer weather outside, or maybe it's just because I'm so close to graduating...
but I think I'm really opening up.
Even the tedious things like homework don't seem to phase me anymore. Finally I'm enjoying myself, and enjoying myself. I just wish that I had started it four years ago...


Currently listening:Coastal Cities- The Secret Handshake

Live What You Love

This week has been really weird in such a good way. I've had a lot of support in my upcoming ventures in higher education. When I proposed the idea of me double majoring in policy studies and economics, my favorite teacher was ecstatic at the prospect. Apparently he thinks I'm destined for total domination with this. I checked the AP Exam score requirements for credit at Syracuse and it's looking like i'll be walking into Syracuse with enough credit to be classified as a sophomore. I've also started looking into my possibilities in the creative spectrum, like taking art classes this summer, learning how to screen print, considering minoring in fashion design in college... the possibilities seem endless now that I've realized that maybe the possibility of channeling some of this creative energy into something productive may be benefitial and not distracting like previously thought. How cool would it be to declare myself as independent financially because I made enough money working a regular job and then selling my screen printed shirts and posters? That sounds amazing! Not only could I finally wear clothes that I've made, like I've always dreamed of, but I could have the art filled apartment of my dreams. On that note, my parents actually started looking into real estate in Syracuse. They said they've found some cute fixer-uppers near campus for like $6,000, and that they would consider making the investment because they know how much fun I have doing do it yourself projects and designing. I wouldn't be able to live there for a couple of years, but they could always rent it out, and by the time I'm a senior I could be considered a resident of New York! Just think about it... new drivers license, voting in a not-fully-decided state for the next presidential election, having a place of my own with my art, making my own income. Sounds like the sweet life.
In personal life matters things have been really weird, but in a good way. I think maybe it's because I'm a senior now and we're all about to graduate that people have started saying what they really mean and what we've all been dying to say. Yesterday I found out that this boy I had a HUGE crush on in the 10th grade has had his eye on me for a while now. Then today I found out that this boy I've thought was really cute since I met him in the seventh grade thinks that I'm an amazing girl, and I spent lunch with all of the people I've been meaning to keep in contact with but just haven't. I'm still hoping that there are a few more turn arounds like hopefully the boy everyone thought was "the one" since middle school will tell me something good like he liked me then too, and hopefully "the one" from high school will admit something too before we leave (I mean he always said that he wanted us to go to college together). It's really sad because now that all the pressure's gone I'm finally really enjoying my time around the people I used to be embarassed around. I don't feel subhuman anymore, but now it's just a little too late. If anything high school has taught me two things:
1. There are always going to be those people whom you can count on forever to be your friend.
2. You should never waste your time being scared of what people will think.
Now that I've realized these things, I'm having the time of my life and I wish that I would have realized this a long time ago.

Currently listening:Saco Boys Have No Class- Sparks the Rescue

Here's a little tip that I think everyone should know: I have no clue what I really want. I mean look at me. I've spent the past year chasing after the same guys, engaging in the same behavior, and getting the same results which are basically nothing. There are so many oddities in my life. Look how wrapped up I am in the Dallas social scene but so vastly removed from the San Antonio crowd. I have stacks of books about the latest in educational policy, but on my free days I clean and reorganize while watching HGTV, and make jewelry while searching for my latest fashion obsession and throw in the occasional painting or sketching. I have never worn a real jacket except for ski trips on spring break, but I am moving to one of the snowiest cities in America. I am naturally a blonde but I cannot stop switching back and forth between brunette and blonde when I dye my hair. I am terrified of being alone, but I sometimes purposefully isolate myself. I am a great morning person but I can never seem to drag myself out of bed these days. I'm a great student, but I could frankly care less right now. Everything is just a little too polarized right now for me to process. I just don't want to end up being one of those people who just does something because they think it'll end up in security and eventually pseudohappiness in the end.

This is the best news ever.

You almost kissed me in my dreams

I've realized lately that what people want for themselves and what others want for them are completely difference sometimes. It seems like lately the future for me is falling into place in a way that pleases everyone fortunately. Some big news (or not so much news in some people's cases):

• I'm going to graduate Magna!


• I'm going to Syracuse University in the fall!


• I'm not always as good or shy as I may seem


• I'm going to marry a musician

Unfortunately, I forgot to take a picture of my outfit today, and I had gotten a lot of compliments on it, even from Josh. Hopefully I'll be able to upload one later.

Currently listening: Surrender Surrender- The Rad

My PSA

"'Mon bon Monsieur,
Apprenez que tout flatteur
Vit aux dépens de celui qui l'écoute :
Cette leçon vaut bien un fromage, sans doute.'
Le Corbeau, honteux et confus,
Jura, mais un peu tard, qu'on ne l'y prendrait plus."

Flattery won't get you everywhere.

If I could open my mouth wide enough for a marching band to march out, they would make your name sing

Notte Sento (English subtitles) from napdan on Vimeo.

So I just finished brainstorming and writing the rough draft for my paper, so it means that I finally came up with an answer. If I could choose to live with my false reality or learn the truth, I think I would rather live in my own reality (as is probably evidenced by my previous post). I thought that this video was beautiful and proves that you can live in your dilusions, even though it did remind me of how much I wish I could be a quiet, cute, artsy chick. I've heard so much about sexy minnie mice this week that I wonder how I might ever become one. Would you like me less if I became the quiet, cute, artsy girl? or more?

Try as they might no one's immune to misfiring and acting on the wrong clues

Here's the English paper I'm working on right now. At first I wanted to do a different question because I thought it would be easier, but after a while I realized that this prompt may be the only question where I may actually learn something.

What if you discovered that what you perceive as reality is really only shadows. If you were given the opportunity to learn the truth, would you take it?

These past few days have really messed with my perception of life. I'm not entirely sure why or how, I just know that, well, I really don't know much of anything, except when it comes to school (there I make it rain). I realized that i'm not immune to playing games. In fact, I've been wrapped up in multiple lately. And I've also realized how wrapped up I am in my own success. Today I almost had two panic attacks because I received e-mails from two other universities that I applied to- George Washington and Columbia. I'll be getting George Washington's decision tomorrow and Columbia's in a week. I also realized how high my hopes get for every little thing. I just hope that when I graduate I'll be able to breathe and experience real life again.
On the plus side, sometimes my dillusions lead to happiness. Today I got an e-mail from my idol, and if I told you who she is I would be labeled a huge dork so I won't. But the fact was that I e-mailed her hoping for the small chance that she might answer me back with a legitimate answer to my question, and she did!

Currently listening:See These Bones- Nada Surf

I've been jumping of the tops of buildings for the thrill of the fall, ignoring sound advice and any thought of consequence

This weekend was amazing. For all intensive purposes, it should be labeled as bad, but I've had this intense happy buzzing aura around me all day today, and looking back at yesterday, it all just comes off as a really good weekend. It definitely could have been better, but I'm so happy right now, I'm just ecstatic about what has happened and unconcerned with what didn't happen.

Lessons learned this weekend:
• Just go for it.
• Sometimes making good choices isn't always the best choice.
• Seriously, just go for it.

It'll be really interesting to see what happens as a result of this weekend.

Currently listening:Autumn- Sparks the Rescue


<3.
Enough said.

She keeps up on current affairs, Prada is what she wears

So it took some cajoling by a friend who saw my blog to get me to post this, but I've agreed to posting the sketches of designs I've made. Please don't judge, I've never taken an art class and these are just what I dream up when I watch old reruns of Project Runway. Here's a few that I have scanned from my sketchbook:

The party is on but you can sit at home in silence

Last night I made the mistake of going to bed angry. Don't get me wrong, I was really angry for an extremely valid reason, but I paid the price today. I was so worked up about everything from yesterday that I had a really hard time just enjoying what I was doing today. I just hope that tonight I can go to a show and forget all about the things I've been so pissed about. I really need to go to a show, or a vacation, or both. A trip up to Dallas for a show sounds amazing right about now. I could go up to Dallas take in some amazing music, feel what it's like to get ready for something other than school for once, and chill with my new friends. I kind of regret not applying to Southern Methodist University now, but I have some hope that no matter where I go I'll be able to have some sort of Dallas atmosphere around me. Speaking of universities, I was accepted into Syracuse University! I found out last night via email. Still waiting on the other schools' replies though. It's such a relief to know that I am accepted somewhere.

Currently listening:Mind Over Matter- First Class Fever

Keeping you out of my head is impossible

Things have been a little shaky around here lately. It seems like the key word for life these past couple of days has been disappointment. I really hate that word. It's probably my least favorite in the English language. So then it becomes a double-edged sword because by trying to avoid it in one form, I get it in another. One thing that finally hasn't disappointed me- my closet. I read an article about shopping for clothes in your own closet during these harsh economic times, and I think the whole concept really personifies what I've already employed as my fashion motto for seemingly my whole life. It's cool to be so trend setting haha. Speaking of trend setting, I love how it's been almost exactly a year and people are now taking the marching band/military jacket style I was rocking last year and putting it in magazines everywhere. I guess if I wanted to be super trendy I could go shopping in my own closet to go find it, but I think I gave mine back to the consignment boutique after I was done with this phase last year. Styles I genuinely enjoyed putting on: yesterday & this morning:


Currently listening:This Airplane Is a Ribbon- Sherwood

I've spent enough sleepless nights in this bed

So I thought I would post this before I compeletely crash from the latest caffeine rush. Today was so-so. I got a ton done with school stuff, but at the same time there's still so much to do I could scream. That and now I have my mom feeling like she has to get involved in my school life which is ridiculous considering that she has been almost completely removed since I finished freshman year. On top of that I feel really bad that I had to open a second rejection letter in front of her today. I knew it was coming, but she had a lot more confidence in me than I do, which also seems really weird because most of the time she seems like my harshest critic, except for maybe myself. Today I was really inspired to do something with myself. I wrote the words for a piece of art I'm going to make out. I got farther on my architecture project. I got a huge item off of my to-do list once and for all. I made a really good tasting pot of coffee. I stood up for myself today. I was inspired by others. I finished 90% of my new wall collage. I painted my nails. I did my work during class. Today was a good day, and the lows are not going to take away from my highs.
Inspiration for today's outfit:

Currently listening:Where Love Went Wrong- Augustana

Finally updated my room. It seems like just yesterday that I painted the concentric rectangles and hung up the plastic contatiners, but I got tired of it really quickly. So I repainted the wall beige with the grey-beige stripe and left the words ["Listen up boys and girls, you only live once, so just give it all you've got. This is where we write on the walls, write all the words we've always wanted to say. I'm gonna break the expectations. I'm here to make memories..."] Now it's got a giant collage made of the plastic containers nad black and white prints. Most of the prints are pictures of paris that I bought from IKEA after my trip to Paris, but there's also a huge picture that's actually an old advertisement from Levi's Jeans that I bought from Mervyn's for maybe $5 when they were going out of business and got so desperate that they didn't care if customers purchased clothing or clothing racks. Now the question is what to do with the other wall. I'm thinking that it's going to need some rearranging also. I just realized that I haven't posted any pictures of my room period. I think it's funny that more people know what my dorm room bed looks like than my bedroom... woah, that sounded funny haha. Oh well, I'm keeping it. [I'll post pics up in a few minutes when I finish making my bed and clean up the painting supplies.]


Currently listening:Wanted You- The Secret Handshake

Yeah he's a looker, but I really think it's guts that matter most

I'm really excited about all of this college stuff, even through the highs and lows. This is the reply that I got in the forum of Domino magazine (my favorite magazine ever, which is sadly shutting down soon). It's so cool that readers of the same magazine think that my future dorm room already looks cool! And it's nice to see that they're nice enough to offer some really good advice. I'll post more if I get any more good replies!

Currently listening:Not Invited- Rediscover

You're Awful, I Love You

I hate how all of my relationships have turned from love to love/hate. I think most recently every single person around me has decided that they are somehow going to make my relationship extremely difficult in some way or another. Yet, I've also discovered that no matter how much hate goes into my love/hate relationships, there is just too much love, or need for love, to let any one of them go. So please, if you're reading this... take it easy on me please.
Another love/hate relationship right now... my closet. Need to find something to revamp my enthusiasm for the clothes I've had since forever. The 365 days of style challenge is losing some steam, and it's kind of made me feel like a loser when I realized that I don't even go out 365 days of the year. Maybe I can make myself feel better and go on a super thrift store shopping spree and find something mega cool for SXSW.

Currently listening:Sundress- Ben Kweller

Sweet like pollen, sweet like cheesecake

Some bitter news today for me. I just purchased the last issue of Domino magazine. I hate that the recession seems to make everyone think that they can no longer afford to be creative and be themselves. So no more Domino, no more Blueprint. How am I going to get my inspiration nowadays without spending countless hours on etsy.com? It's sad becasue I came back from colorado ready to make a change to my room and now I feel like I don't have the same kind of outlet anymore. I can't wait to go to college where I can continuously change things. I also can't wait to find out where I'm going to college. Prepare yourself to be hearing that alot in the next few weeks.
On another note, I can't wait to head off to college just to start a clean slate. Actually, we'll just call it a continuation of the slate. I think that the closer I get to leaving the more excited I am about being able to be more me. Does that make any sense? I'm really excited because I want to be able to start a new closet and have new surroundings and be able to try new talents. I've actually been dying to try art, especially after a TON of people have been telling me that I should really think about doing art as a side project (like designing more regular wear shirts and selling them). I actually think it would be pretty cool to start making my own things like art and clothing, even if I didn't sell them. Although how cool would it be to say that I was able to pay part of my way through school just by being me?! In related news, I might start a job as a nanny for a girl who is less than two years old. I'd have to leave school to pick her up from daycare and then spend a few hours with her a night. I think it might be really interesting. I mean I'm no mom, but I think it would be cool to spend time taking care of a little kid. I think I could learn a lot and who knows, maybe this could change my future in some way... like kids clothing, artwork, or changing my mind about wanting to be a mom haha.
Going now to change something about my room. Not sure what it is yet. I think I'll paint or draw. If I change anything major I'll post pictures!

Currently listening:Bye Simple (First Mix)- Kill Paradise

Put out the fire on us...

So today was great for a variety of reasons...
1. I found another totally random thing to put on my bucket list: Learn how to make a really good cupcake.
2. I actually understood what was going on in calculus
3. I woke up on time and did my makeup work
4. I talked to my calculus teacher and she actually complimented me :]
5. I got truly excited about the ski trip
6. I think I did well on my biology test
7. I realized i have some very good options
8. I got the best news in a really long time
9. I found out that one friendship wasn't an illusion
10. I think I'm officially off of punishment... well considering that my dad randomly asked me if I like Breathe Carolina and when I responded "Are you kidding me?! I love them!" He said "Oops. Well they're playing a show tonight." Like there was some small smidge of a chance that I might have gone.
I'm sad that I missed the Take Action! Tour, but I'm glad to know that I should be good for SXSW :]

The only downers to my day... allergies, really bad allergies. I'm actually sitting here with my eyes watering and my nose running and a box of tissues next to me. I've sneezed at least 5 times in the 3 minutes it has taken me to write all of this. I feel so bad, but really happy. Oh and my sunburn is still an annoying color of red. On the plus side, I can't feel it anymore. No heat, no burning, no pain, just an aggravating color.

Currently listening:Song Beneath the Song- Maria Taylor

we've only got time for blue skies so kid you better live up and go full speed ahead

That's exactly what I did today. Enough said.

Can't wait to go to Colorado! I bought most of my snoawboarding gear tonight and I think I'll probably buy another hoodie and scarf or two. Total snow bunny. Can't wait to post some pictures!
But mostly can't wait to be off of punishment. Today was the biggest testament to that. I just have to get through the next two days and I should be home free.

Currently listening:An Attempt to Say- A Bird A Sparrow

I don't know which is more tormenting... thinking there's no way I'm going to be able to see them today or knowing that I'm probably not going to see them for very long. It's so hard because I am seriously two days away from being off of grounding, but I still have so much to do. When I got out of my car at school this morning Gabriela seriously said "Wow. You're going to knock their socks of... No, you're going to blow them away." I honestly don't care what happens. I just want to see them again :]

So whose to blame for who gets burned for holding you?

God this was a rollercoaster weekend. Funeral & Hate & Love.
There's so much I want to tell people, but just can't right now and I feel like I'm going to explode! This is probably the reason people think that I'm too nice. I can't tell people the things they really need to hear in the way they need to hear it. So here it all goes in a mishmash of people and messages: [Stop trying to be my friend, I never wanted to talk to you in the first place. I'm never going to go out with you. You are so transparent, everyone always tells me how jealous you are of me, well you're not going to ever impress me if you keep acting this way, seriously less is more. You are so freaking bi-polar! You say you miss me and then you act like you don't know me when it comes time to hang out. I miss you so badly, but I'm starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen between us, I've stopped thinking about you so frequently and the sentimentality has faded away. I've barely talked to you lately, but I just know when we hang out it's like we're closer than we've ever been, so why do you always act like this? I feel like we should be friends, we're into the same things and we're friends with the same people, so why am I so afraid to talk to you? I really wish you were older so that, when I go out on dates with boys almost as old as you are, it won't feel as awkward for me and so that I won't think of them as unaccomplished next to you, I wish I could grow up to be someone like you professionally when I grow older just with political science. I know we just met, but I think that i could drop every other boy for you, and that's really saying something.] That was almost as good as saying it to their faces...

Anyway. I'm going to try and get back on my feet with this blog. Sometimes life just gets to me and I need to pause. Plus hopefully I'll color my hair and get it cut really soon. So new hair pics and more clothes pics should come soon I hope!

Currently listening:Such Great Heights- The Postal Service

through all the highs and lows

I'm done. peace out. I'd like to say I don't give up this easily, but I can't take it anymore. I don't know whether to curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of my life away or go strangle someone. Both seem like feasible options right now. Actually, I'm fairly certain I could do both right now. I hate high expectations and hopes. They mess with everything wortwhile. Seriously don't want to put up with this anymore.

So we traded our pencils and book for dance beats and hooks

I'm a little frustrated that I haven't been updating this the way I've been wanting to. So here I am I guess. Since I've last updated, I haven't done much. I have reorganized my closet, cleaned my room, subscribed to more podcasts, and done very little homework. I've been working on this English essay about the effects of chasing our dreams. It's actually pretty stimulating to me. I wish school could be more stimulating like this all the time. If I could get more projects like the music video project I would leap from bed every morning at the thought of going to school. Unfortunately, most days, that's simple not the case.
In other school news, I finally got confirmation from all of the schools I applied to that my application is complete. I was really pleased to receive an e-mail from George Washington, asking for my first semester transcript, and via fax for speed. It's nice to know that schools are actually looking at my application. I can't wait to go to college. I guess I'm weird that way, in that I really want to go to college so I can learn more. I think it's been coming to this anticipation for a couple of years now, since I started my college search and simultaneously started my independent research paper. Since then, I've been trying to keep up the work ethic, I may have flailed a little bit, but I've found that drowning out my mother's sewing machine with the latest educational policy podcasts really helps my productivity and lets me learn in a multitasking fashion.
Even with all of this though, I still can't wait for freedom. Counting down the days until spring break so I can know what the real world is like again. Well at least the real world in a music sense.

Currently listening:Runaway- Artist VS Poet

Sneaking out our windows we're on top of the city

17 days. Just 17 more days until I am free, or should be free at least. I'm counting down the seconds here. The only problem is that there are amazing things that should be happening a mere 2 days before I'm set free. I really hope that my parents will be forgiving enough for me to be released a little early. If not... well then looks like I'll just be another magnet for trouble then. They don't call me wicked child for nothing. I just don't see how I'd be able to live with myself knowing that I had missed out on life because of a trivial thing. I guess my parents think that they're going to exercise their control one more time before I'll be out from underneath their heels. Who knows when I'll get the opportunity to live like this again? I'm so dancing at the alamo regardless of what it takes to get there.

Currently listening:Face Down- Rediscover

I found a way to test a theory, parents living vicariously molding all our minds...

"I'm writing you from prison, yeah I'm writing from the streets, where I learn to get away for awhile and shoot down your selfish dreams."
So today has been interesting. I'm up at 11, still working on school. A victory for me. I also reignited a passion that has been missing from my life for awhile. Where was it first semester? I also realized how much of a trophy I am to my parents. I mean there are some things that it's okay to be happy about, and even occasionally proud, but I don't want to be another bumper sticker on the back of my mom's mini-van. They keep telling me how much they can't wait to know where I'm going to college, and I can't help but wonder if it's because they want to know how much scholarship money I'm going to get, or which name-brand college they'll get to proclaim to all of their colleagues. I'm in this for myself. Not for them. But I'm sure they'll be ecstatic when I tell them that I want to go to Stanford University for graduate school. I know they have the right intentions when we have conversations like the one from the other night where my mom told me that she would have rather me go to a school on an athletic scholarship than a merit-based one. I couldn't believe her reasonings. I'd rather be known as a nerd and go on a merit-based scholarship than have to worry about people wondering whether or not I deserve to be there. I'd rather disappoint intellectually under a nerd label, like my parents always assume I will, than walk into a room knowing that everyone assumes that I'm set up for failure. I'd rather surprise myself on a merit-scholarship than fight the uphill battle of any other kind just to appear up to par. Actually, I'd rahter just surprise myself period. But I guess we're just going to see how long I can keep this staying awake thing going for, where I get in, and if I get any scholarships to see what kind of surprises the future may hold in store.

Currently listening:Marching Bands of Manhattan- Death Cab for Cutie

I just woke up from a nearly 5 hour nap. How ridiculous is that? This morning I went to bed at about maybe one and then woke up at about 8:20. That's normally more than enough sleep for me when I'm not affected by this weird sleepiness thing. The weird thing is that all of the sleep was really intense. I mean it was sweat inducing, drooling, deep dreaming kind of sleep, and that never happens to me. So I guess I really needed it. But why did I need so much of it, and today of all days? If only I could get that kind of sleep every night for at least a few hours, I could get everything done that I need to. I'm so sick of being sleepy 24/7 that I jumped when I saw ways to boost energy levels and feel less sleepy as a news link in hotmail this morning. I would research more about it, but I'm going to go take a shower and make my bed so maybe there's still a chance I can salvage the rest of my day and finish all of the things for school. I promised myself that this semester I would do so much better. It's time to follow through.

Lately I've been tired and unispired

I don't know what it's been about these past few days that have been so weird for me that I haven't wanted to even recount them, but I made a promise to myself so I guess I'm going to squeeze it all in here now. Part of it has to be school. I mean it's just been really getting to me lately. I had the most amazing english paper idea ever, and then it just got stuck in my head. I know I really need to get a move on with my school stuff because if I don't I won't even be able to taste the sweet sensation of freedom sometime in March, which also means no SXSW which would be the most crushing event of my life, no syke. On top of the school work, the people at school have been driving me crazy. Some just won't stop talking about me, and others won't stop trying to hang around me when they really aren't wanted, plus everyone's behavior is totally erratic. I think people just think that they can get away with pretty much anything just because we're inching closer and closer to the day when no one is going to see everyone else again.
This weekend was good because it got the focus off of me and my relationship issues, for the most part. I mean I didn't get a happy valentine's day wish from anyone, but I spent my day volunteering at the food bank and finishing buying things for my dorm room. I also got a chance to reconnect with friends from church whom it seems I never get to talk to anymore. It's nice to know that people don't instantly diassociate themselves. It's nice to know I'm not just a phase.
On another positive note, I'm really excited and inspired by my english music video project. I can't wait to film it! I really love the soundtrack to. Now if only all of school could be this fun, there might be hopes for freedom.
Oh and fun fact time, I switched bed sides again, so now I wake up to the sunshine on my pillow. It's the best feeling ever.

Currently listening:Photogenic- Molitor

But everything seems perfect from far away

I wish punishment was over already. I freaking hate this. I feel trapped all the time. I also wish that all of the personal drama stuff would go away. I know who I want to date and who I want to be friends with. So why can't that decision just be left up to me and no one else? If only I wasn't always the nicest person. No more miss congeniality please.

Currentlly listening:Assurance, Closure- Artist vs Poet (Alive Once Again EP version)

The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights

dorm room bedding!

You are everything I want because you're everything I'm not

I'm still blown away by today, and for once, not in the good sense. I mean today was pretty cool for many reasons people whom I haven't talked to in a really long time contacted me out of the blue, I solidified my relationships with other people, and it looks like the GSA at Churchill might finally get started after all (Although I am a little disappointed we didn't get to pull in the media and the court system). Yet, there were also tons of issues with today. There were relationship distinctions with people whom I didn't want to make distinctions with. I can't stand seeing all of the relationships around me start to fall apart because someone is jealous of another person. Which also leads me to the question I can't seem to answer for myself: What is envy worthy about me? I found out today that what I thought was just personal issues with other people actually involve me. I hate drama, well, relationship drama. Political drama and legal drama, however, I live for.
Oh, and good news, the new blonde hair was a hit!

Currently listening:Speeding Cars- Imogen Heap

We could finally see what it means to be living

Today, I decided that I'm finally going to get my life back in order. I've been living like I'm just cool with the way things are, which I actually am, but I've got this feeling like things have got to change, and I've got nothing left to change but myself. Time for me to be proactive for once. Time for me to not be so tired, and tired of everything. Step One: English essay. Don't let me prove myself wrong.

Currently listening:Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional

So today was really interesting for many reasons. One, I may have found the replacement for my dream duvet that's delivery was mysteriously cancelled, and I actually may like it better than what I had originally envisioned. Two, I may have found another gift in life- caregiving. Since my dad had knee surgery, I've helped take care of him. So all day today I went running errands with my mom for things that he needs, and then when I got home I got about an hour and a half break before going to babysit for my neighbors grandkids. I felt like such a horrible babysitter, but at the end of the night right before they went to sleep, both of the kids told me individually how great of a mom they think I'm going to make one day. That was a huge shock for someone who has been pretty sure for a while that kids just aren't for her. Maybe i'll rethink that. Today was also one of those lessons in love that I never saw coming. I saw the episode of Scrubs a few days ago where Elliott's marriage is called off because she doesn't think that she loved anyone enough to wipe their eye-goobies, and since then I've been thinking about that in the back of my head. This week has been filled with pushing away those who are way too interested in me, desperately trying not to be ole reliable, thinking about fidelity and secretaries, why touring musicians make the perfect match for me (I don't need a ton of attention, one night of attention can carry me for months, I'm not totally ole reliable, etc.), and if I really would be okay being engaged. Then mix in the whole acting as a caregiver for an adult and two kids. It's weird. Everything about it. But now I know that it wouldn't kill me to have the typical life. I can have real love. I can have real kids. And supposedly, I could be good at it all.

Pictures: Top- Out for the day & bottom: babysitting Currently listening:Saysaysay- Gallerycat

This ain't the time to take it slow <3

Today was such a good day for me. I feel pretty much on top of the world, and for no real reason at all. The only thing that's harshing my mellow is that Urban Outfitters decided that they were going to run out of my green duvet after I ordered it. Bye bye dream dorm. Oh well. I've got plenty of time to discover another perfect room. I just don't want to settle. Never settle.= part two of the following your dreams post.

We're searching for the real thing, we're searching for the real you

Today was too weird. I finally got to step back and look at things at face value for once. All of those questions about the future are virtually eradicated, and just when I thought that there would be more popping up. I also got to look at my relationships with people. Why won't people stop trying to use me for their own ends? I'm so sick of being a point of reference for everyone. I mean, I'm flattered, but I'm just trying to be me, I suggest everyone else do the same.
It felt weird being a little more girly today. The weather was perfect. It was so amazing. This morning as I got ready for school, all I could think and feel were Paris and SXSW. It's that time of year. It was almost a year ago that I went to both. Since then, they won't escape my thoughts. It was really weird that in keeping with the March-like weather, I wore a vintage French skirt that I bought in the Jewish Quarter of Paris for ten euros at a vintage shop smaller than the size of my room. It was the first time I've ever worn it. Maybe this reinvention is stirring up all of these memories and thoughts and realizations that have been sitting in the back of my mind for the past year. I can't help but be in awe when I look at myself and see the same person I saw a year ago, but the differences are what make me better. The reflection is the same, the taste, the style, the passions are all them same. Yet, somehow they've recombined to make me somehow different. I like this new-ness.
Oh, and it's official. I'm getting the green florally duvet for my future dorm room!

Currently listening:Up Up & Away- Represent!

Boy it takes a silly girl to wish she'd never dreamt at all

More to come later from school. i'm running late, but really need to say something.

So it was a really weird day today, and it actually ended up proving the point I've been trying to make. There's no way I can make my full point without writing an entire essay about it. So short and simple. Remember those days in the first grade where we were told that we could be whatever we want to be? That should have never stopped. Hopefully we can all discover what we really want and that we can achieve it.

Does the boy with the ring know you bounce around?

BIG NEWS! I'm engaged! Or so everyone now seems to think. Apparently I'm engaged to one of the many musicians I'm friends with. The sad thing was that the only demonstrated disbelief was that people didn't remember ever seeing me with a ring.
Hopefully more news will be coming out soon. Like hopefully my dream last night was a sign. I dreamt that I was moving to NYC and Josh from TV/TV was really excited because I was moving in near where he lives. Is that a sign for Columbia?? I hope so!
In other news. Looks like the Gabriela and Ariel music life is going to expand by leaps and bounds relatively soon. First step(for me), photoshoot for Attack! Apparel (clothing company that Jamie started and is so cool). Then, SXSW March 21. Third step, photoshoot for promo shots for Gabriela and I's MySpace with Jamie the next day. Much more news to be coming out soon. I can feel it. I'm so ecstatic for everything. I never realized how far a little confidence can change someone's life. I won't say that my life has done a complete 180, but I went from being the school focused wallflower who listened to music instead of hanging out with people to someone who used the characteristics she already had to make her confident and sociable. I'm still way into school [How can you not be when you're taking 6 AP classes at once?], going to college, and having a professional career, but I know for sure that there will always be a plan B. In fact, plan B doesn't mean that I wouldn't enjoy it more. Boy do I love options. All I know is that politics, t-shirts, coffee shop, and/or venue will make for one incredible future. Hopefully one that I can share with my fiance. ;]
Currently listening: This Is Our Time- Represent!

Wake up you dreamer

I'm such a cool kid. I just woke up from a six hour nap. [Told you I have some sleep issues]. Anyway, in keeping with my resolution here was my outfit today. That scarf has so many memories now. I'm thinking I should pass it down to my kids, except minus the lime green haha. Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning it was seriously 29 degrees outside so I couldn't wear either of the outfits I had already put together. It's not exactly a new outfit because I've worn it in a similar way before, but I updated it so it's counting as new oufit number two out of 365.

Currently listening:Money- Love and Reverie

Amazing discovery

You'll never guess where I am right now. Well you might if you notice the time...
I'm at school! In the middle of BIMM! I discovered that I can get on and see my blog. Strangely blogspot is one of the few websites not blocked by my school district's blocking software. So looks like I might be posting some cool things that I made at school on here. Especially since I lost my flash drive and can't just save things and take them home with me. [Mmmmmm, I'm excited!] Oh and this is the ultimate testimate to the Tumblr vs. Blogspot debate. Speaking of which... Gabriela and I made our own blog to go with our mutual myspace.
http://arielandgabriela.tumblr.com

Time may change me, but I can't trace time...

Hmmm... so I've been desperate to make some changes. I think the first thing I'll change is my hair. It'll take the least amount of time. Besides I'm naturally really blonde anyway. And I've been thinking about other things too. I'm not sure what else to change, but I've just got this feeling that something has to. Input please?

Plus i know that I really want to start getting on top of my time management skills. So I guess this means staying up later, getting up earlier, drinking more coffee.[Mmmmm teeth staining. I'm seriously shocked that I don't have meth mouth from the amount of coffee I normally intake. Oh, but good thing, I started a new whitening treatment. So we'll see if it can whiten & take on coffee] Anyway, I'm sort of used to it though besides the whole sleep weirdness that's been going on this year, and maybe it'll be good practice for the college that I go to... as soon as I find out which one it is. Still waiting to hear back from all seven. Speaking of college... I'll put up what I hope will be my dorm bed linens. But I'm definitely going to need a vote. Just imagine one of these...

with these pillows:
Comment me your vote please!!

Day #1

So today was really embarassing. I think I'm permanently red. My new nickname "wicked child". On the bright side I got tons of compliments on my outfit today, so I guess today was strangely above average mostly because it looks like it's going to be a great start to the 365 challenge.Picture?
Please ignore the awkwardness. I swear one day I'll grow out of it. But until then... I love those jeans! I actually got them in a semi-Sisterhood-of-the-Traveling-Pannts style; I picked them up at a Goodwill without ever trying them on or ever looking at the tag, and they fit perfectly! The perfect pair of jeans for $3?! Actually I don't think I spent more than $10 for any piece of the entire outfit, except for maybe the shoes. I can't remember how much I got them for, but I know that I got them from this really cute consignment store in New Orleans before Hurricaine Katrina, and the ladies at the store made me visit the vintage rack. And there they were, the only pair in the entire store that was my size. Now that I think about it, I've never tried on anything from a vintage store, except for the leopard dress I got at the same store, but it fit perfectly anyway. I always luck out. Today was another perfect example of this. And thank God for that.

Currently listening: A Certain Kind of Touch- Breathe Electric

Spark of Inspiration

I've decided that I'm going to make a New Year's Resolution, even though it's the first day of the second month of the new year. [Omg. I just heard at least six gun shots outside my window. Time to move out of the ghetto. It's bad enough that I know the difference between fireworks and gun shots by the sound.] My resolution for myself is to be more adventurous with the clothing choices I make. So tomorrow I'm going to start day 1 of the 365 days of style challenge. I think that I'll post a picture of me wearing my outfit for the day and the inspiration for it. So that'll be my trick. Never run out of inspiration. What better way to define your style?

I'm thinking my goals to start out should be:

• wear ALL of the pieces I picked up on my trip to Paris


• wear all of the vintage clothes I hardly wear


• use different mediums to become inspired


• start making my own jewelrey


• go shopping at unique stores more frequently

Oh and this is totally not just a "look at me and what i'm doing" thing, this challenge and posting it online is more of just making sure that I do it and watching the results kind of thing. I mean what would be the point of doing this challenge if there wasn't going to be any benefit to come of it? I'm actually really excited to see how I progress and define myself over the course of a year. Now that I think about it... I think everyone should do this with me. So of my [maybe 10] readers, I think you should step up to the plate with me too. Comment your pics? Start your own blog? I don't know. Maybe I'm just a little too enthusiastic. Awesomeness party of one? hahaha, you know I'm so kidding.

&&& I'm working on making an amazing banner for this page. So get ready for the creativity to abound.

Currently listening: The Swiss Army Romance- Dashboard Confessional

So here we go...

This isn't really going to count as post number one, but more as a post to explain what you'll be seeing from me in the future.
So here's the deal...
I'm trying to span out of just the myspace, facebook, and youtube world, but I'm also trying to take those parts of my life and incorporate them into who I really am.
In short, this is going to be the place where I'm going to put up all of the things that are positive and proactive in my life, and leave all the annoying real life drama out.

Hopefully in the future this will be the place where I'll put all of my fashion creations and longings, the latests in my music world, any room redecorations, show news, etc.

Definitely more to come later!! Tune in!